Some people work on their game during the week for match day Saturday. Charles Offord is working on his game Tuesday & Wednesday at training, but on Monday, Thursday, Friday and especially Saturday he is working on his arrogance….. “Boys did I score a worldie of a goal”. Hence the self-vote for Man of the Match!

Just like Craig David, he chills on Sunday.

In the opening exchanges, Chiswick were on the back foot with Wayfarers pressing high and giving Chiswick little opportunity to get out of their own half. But with our defensive rock of Paul Caine and Andrew Brown, Chiswick were able to hold out for the opening ten minutes. Andy Brown who has a nine-week old baby, still managed to convince his wife to get a pass to play for Chiswick. That commitment to the team makes him a people’s champion. Like Andy Murray or Barry Scott from the cilit bang commercials.
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The pace of Jonty gave Chiswick an outlet to get the ball into oppositions half. His pace could be compared to that of Linford Christie, ironic as this is the name of Chiswick’s pitch. Sprinting past Wayfarers defenders, Jonty was able to create a great opportunity across the goal that was nearly converted by Chee.

The opening goal from strong midfield play with Inesh and Sturdy linking up on the right flank. The ball was passed to Ramon who played the ball one touch to Brinkworth. He then moved the ball on quickly to Charles ‘North Chiswick’ Offord who in his own words ‘scored a worldie’ on the reverse side…. We won’t hear the last of it.

At the half Chiswick were 1-0 up.

Through lack of concentration in the midfield, Wayfarers pounced on Chiswick’s error and set up a short corner that they executed well with a low drag to the bottom corner. Head’s dropped and the team started to play for themselves as eleven individuals rather than a team of eleven lads who love terrible chat. Wayfarers next two goals came from short corners that were well executed. Chiswick were unlucky with the decisions with two stroke opportunities denied, in sport sometimes you have to create your own luck rather than just expecting it to fall into your laps.

For the Men’s 3s anything outside the ‘W’ postcode in London is a strange and scary place. South of the river I have heard that mobile phone signal only existed from 2009 onwards. Well Charles Offord has been the new Attenborough of the Men’s 3s. Exploring the vast planes of Oval this week. Going on dog walks, I don’t know what floats his boat but just ask him as I am sure he will be happy to tell all.

Brinkworth was stressing to the group that his bumble online dating game has been struggling. With some intervention from female company on the bench his photos and profile have been improved. We will be catching up with Brinkworth next week to find out if he has been on any dates that have ended up in Sam’s Chicken in Shepherd Bush at 3am while declaring his love (his love for Chiswick that is).

And what!!!!

MOM: Charles Offord – Scoring from his reverse stick
DOD: Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott – for brining female company to the game

It was an early start at Paddington Rec, a 10am push back against Hampstead and Westminster. The morning rain could be compared to the rain that fell during Noah’s flood, not enough to flood the earth but near enough to flood Kilburn.

Some players on Friday night had realised the importance of a good night sleep before a hockey game. Billy Francis on the other hand messaged the team 50 minutes before play “so long story short I’ve woken up in east London with no idea how I got here. Getting an uber now, hopefully will still make it”……. We did not see Billy Francis at push back or half time or even at the end of the game. I hope Billy your tinder date was worth it and that one day you will return to east London to reclaim your dignity that you left behind in that poor girls flat.

In the early encounters Chiswick were dominating play. With strong possession in the midfield, the ball was played into the side of the D where Ramon received a pass from Scott ‘smelly shirt' Elliott. He then played the ball across the base line to Andrew Jordan who then touched the ball to Chee who slotted the goal in the left hand corner. 1-0.

Have you ever seen the film chariots of fire? Well Wolfman’s solo run with the ball from his own 23-yard line to the opposition D was something of pure beauty. It was as if time stood still for those few seconds that Wolfman was able to cut through the opposition with his run. On top of the D Wolfman linked up with Charles Offord to play the ball round the opposition’s defense and Wolfman was able to slot the ball in the right hand corner. A goal that staggers belief as this was the most selfless play Charles Offord has even shown in a Chiswick shirt.

The third goal came from a well-executed aerial from Wolfman to Scott ‘smelly shirt' Elliott, that gave a three on one opportunity. Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott was able to slot the ball from the half way line to Andrew Jordan on top of the D, who then passed to Chee who took the quick shot to beat the keeper. 3-0.

The fourth goal was that of pure team work. James “I still live with my mum” Mason was able to link up with Ramon on the right flank. His piercing run across the base line linked up with Charles Offord who instead of taking the reverse shot on, passed the ball to Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott on top of the D, who took the quick pass to Andrew Jordan waiting on the line to deflect the goal in. As the fourth goal went in Charles Offord face was that of disbelief. It was as if he had just completed tinder by swiping through every girl within a 2-mile radius of north Chiswick…Acton my friend.

A special mention has to go to DVB, the kind of guy who starts conversations with ‘so I was at the polo after party and I was talking to this Ukrainian princess’. A drag to the top corner was saved on the line and pushed the ball into Chris Butlers mouth rather than into the goal. Literally taking one for the team, Chris Butler a true people champion like Barry Scott from Cilit Bang commercials.

4-0 at half time.

At the turn of the half, a change in the oppositions formation meant that Chiswick were on the receiving end of some attacking play. Louis Allwood our mighty ginger warrior kept the opposition at bay with some epic clearances.

With quick play from the defensive 23, Chiswick were able to play the ball quickly to Chee who slotted the ball to Ramon at the top right hand side of the D. A quick dribble past the last defender and Ramon slotted the fifth goal. Ramons play is improving with direct correlation to his bacon cooking skills.

The final goal was not something of beauty but rather a moment that only a mother could love. Was it a strike at goal, was it Chee’s third attempt at goal and missing each one, or did he just quick the ball in. No one will know but there are no pictures on the scoreboard.

Special highlights include Charles Offord’s change in play, turning from selfless to selfish in the blink of a half. Desperate for a goal, reverse strike after reverse strike over the bar and a one on one with three options to pass to open players……DOD well deserved.

This report cannot tell you sheer level of chat that Ramon was giving to group after scoring. Ranking players on their urban freshness. FYI Charles is the least Urban fresh player in the team. He may be only 16 and does his Math’s homework, but this man grew up in the mean streets of TW8 Brentford and wants you to know about it.

And what!!!!

MOM: Louis Allwood – Cracking saves & Chee scoring a hatrick
DOD: Charles ‘selfish’ Offord for his inability to score and being selfish

Chiswick returned for an all mighty battle against London Edwardians. If you were a fan of 90’s rap, then public enemy’s classic ‘Harder than you think” comes to mind. This opening exchanges were dominated by London Edwardians. Wave after wave of attack came but were dealt with our defensive gladiators Wolfman & Chris Butler.
 
Chiswick were able to hold London Edwardians for over 30 minutes, with James “I still live with my mum” Mason holdings attacks at bay on the right flank. I recently asked James how his tinder life is going since he is living the dream at home. He replied “It’s a tricky sell but Charles Offord is on hand to give me advice. Charles always available for tinder advice.
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The initial goal from London Edwardians came from a well worked goal on the left flank, with a piercing midfield pass into the right hand side of the D and a cross goal shot. Chiswick replied well and the midfield pairing of Sam Alton and Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott were able to take control of the game and utilise the pace of Ramon. Earlier in the week Ramon asked the team to give their input on how to cook a bacon sandwich. His cooking skills are something that only a mother could love, but his stick skills are as smooth as Bumble (the new tinder) profile with elephant selfies & London marathon selfies to get the all the swipes in West London.

With a high press set form Billy and Ramon, Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott was able to intercept the ball from the 23-yard line. Taking it onto the reverse side, the ball was drilled to debutant Chris Brinkworth. In the warm up Louis Allwood was able to give Chris Brinkworth some shooting tips. His tips were so hot, that the tips given at the Griffin in Kings Cross look lukewarm in comparison. Chris Brinkworth turned 180* on the defender and took it round another defender to then slot the ball into bottom right hand corner.

1-1 Halftime.

Some amazing defensive work continued. On the next short corner from London Edwardians, Louis Allwood tipped a drag flick onto the crossbar which DVB was able to clear. A thing of defensive beauty.

The goals conceded by Chiswick were unfortunate, form defensive errors that were capitalised on the top of the D.

DOD moment of the game: Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott for attempting a diagonal aerial to the left flank and playing a squaerial over the top of the left flank and off the pitch.

In the remaining 15 minutes, Chiswick were controlling the game with attack after attack on their keeper. Shooting practice at training is on the cards.

Special mention to Ramon for letting me know what is and isn’t urban fresh in the mean streets of Brentford.…..FYI dabbing was so 2015.

Additional mention for Scott ‘smelly ‘Elliott for failing to provide female hockey players to come join the 3’s & 4’s social. The only reason he could get the troops out for beers.
And what!!!!

MOM: Louis Allwood – Cracking saves
DOD: Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott terrible squaerial and outrageous pillow talk.

The men’s 5’s started well, about 10 minutes into the first half we already had our first goal scored by Neil Martin after some great passing, constant pressure in the D and a number of shots on goal that were deflected.  Neil slotted it in from the top of the D.

Barnes were looking strong though with some young whippersnappers running well down the wings and our defence were challenged a few times in the first half with a few penalty corners conceded. Thankfully Barnes could not convert. Towards the end of the first half we managed to score our second goal. Again a few quick passes through the middle and a saved shot on goal left Zak free to smash the ball into the back of the goal for his first goal of the season. We ended the half with some scrappy play but we did not concede.

At the beginning of the second half sadly the scrappy play continued. Barnes were putting us under pressure well and it was obvious that their younger team was slightly fitter. We had a few moments when we threatened the D and even won ourselves three penalty corners but we just couldn’t find the back of the goal. Eventually Barnes found a gap in our defence and get the ball passed Sam in goal bringing the score to 2:1. Then after a few more minutes Barnes won three consecutive penalty corners and on their third try they scored a second goal. This was sadly mainly due to the fact that we had stopped playing after the ball hit our defenders foot but no whistle had been blown.  This brought the result to 2:2 and the game ended this way despite a few more chances on both sides.

Owen Brookes received man of the match for some great play in the middle and in defence and Pete Daynes received the thanks for coming vote for wearing socks and sandals and using his fake go pro during the warm up.

MOM: Owen
DOD: Pete

Did someone say goals? There were in fact five of them this week. If you were a child of the 90’s you may have been waiting on Sunday night listening to chart show waiting to hear the band “five” singing their classic urban beats of “Everybody Get up”. They used to sing “Five will make get you down now”…..they are now singings “Men’s 3’s will get you down now”.
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Every week we get a new story from Charles “my mum buys my hockey sticks” Offord. Well a new update, his mum got him an early Christmas present and bought his new stick. What a champion!!!

Charles officially man cheated on me this week in midfield with his new Irish heart throb in midfield, David Qualie. Both of them showing perfect one touch passing between them.
The initial passage of play was dominated by David Qualie & Charles Offord, cutting through the Tulse hill midfield, like Thurstan Wolf cutting through awkward chat on a first tinder date at Sam’s chicken in Hanger Lane.

For the initial period of play Chiswick spent the entire time in Tulse Hill half, this was down to a solid press from the front line of Chee, Ramon and Nadish. With three short corners in a row which clipped the outside of the left post Chiswick were turning the screw on Tulse Hill. With Charles Offord’s new stick, his new secret weapon came out to play. His low drag flick. Who knew he could get that low, I guess all those bumble dates midweek must have helped.

The first goal came from the initial play of Sturdy our warrior of the defence, linking with Scott “smelly shirt” Elliott. Then linking to Ramon on the right flank. Who drived the base line to release the ball to David Qualie who put a “slam dunk the funk” shot into the bottom left hand corner.

The second half started as it had in the first, domination that only Thurstan “Christian Grey” Wolf knows about on his business trips to Seattle.

The next goal came from quick play on top of the D. Scott “smelly shirt” Elliott passing to Ramon on the right edge of the D. He dribbled across the base line with Nadish waiting on the p shot for a simple slap across the keeper into the bottom left hand corner.

Minutes later, the magical pairing Charles Offord and David Qualie were stringing passes through the middle. With Nadish waiting in the D to receive the ball, he took a diving slap to beat the keeper. 3-0 to Chiswick.

The 4th goal came from debutant Will, with excellent link up play with Wiebe on the left flank (shocking revelation that he is 32, amazing skin….how does he do it). The final goal came from Chee, with attacking flair from Dave Sturdy on the right flank. Interlinking play with Ramon to Chee to slot the final goal to Chiswick 5-0. Boom!!!

Special mention to James Mason for getting a terrible haircut before the game and to Louis Allwood for not having to do much in goal but bully their forward….so mean!!

And what!!!

MOM: Dave Sturdy - solid tackling & Ramon Bailey – Electric pace
DOD: Louis Allwood - bullying players and not doing much