Men's 3s vs Hampstead & Westminster Hammers: 6-0 win

It was an early start at Paddington Rec, a 10am push back against Hampstead and Westminster. The morning rain could be compared to the rain that fell during Noah’s flood, not enough to flood the earth but near enough to flood Kilburn.

Some players on Friday night had realised the importance of a good night sleep before a hockey game. Billy Francis on the other hand messaged the team 50 minutes before play “so long story short I’ve woken up in east London with no idea how I got here. Getting an uber now, hopefully will still make it”……. We did not see Billy Francis at push back or half time or even at the end of the game. I hope Billy your tinder date was worth it and that one day you will return to east London to reclaim your dignity that you left behind in that poor girls flat.

In the early encounters Chiswick were dominating play. With strong possession in the midfield, the ball was played into the side of the D where Ramon received a pass from Scott ‘smelly shirt' Elliott. He then played the ball across the base line to Andrew Jordan who then touched the ball to Chee who slotted the goal in the left hand corner. 1-0.

Have you ever seen the film chariots of fire? Well Wolfman’s solo run with the ball from his own 23-yard line to the opposition D was something of pure beauty. It was as if time stood still for those few seconds that Wolfman was able to cut through the opposition with his run. On top of the D Wolfman linked up with Charles Offord to play the ball round the opposition’s defense and Wolfman was able to slot the ball in the right hand corner. A goal that staggers belief as this was the most selfless play Charles Offord has even shown in a Chiswick shirt.

The third goal came from a well-executed aerial from Wolfman to Scott ‘smelly shirt' Elliott, that gave a three on one opportunity. Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott was able to slot the ball from the half way line to Andrew Jordan on top of the D, who then passed to Chee who took the quick shot to beat the keeper. 3-0.

The fourth goal was that of pure team work. James “I still live with my mum” Mason was able to link up with Ramon on the right flank. His piercing run across the base line linked up with Charles Offord who instead of taking the reverse shot on, passed the ball to Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott on top of the D, who took the quick pass to Andrew Jordan waiting on the line to deflect the goal in. As the fourth goal went in Charles Offord face was that of disbelief. It was as if he had just completed tinder by swiping through every girl within a 2-mile radius of north Chiswick…Acton my friend.

A special mention has to go to DVB, the kind of guy who starts conversations with ‘so I was at the polo after party and I was talking to this Ukrainian princess’. A drag to the top corner was saved on the line and pushed the ball into Chris Butlers mouth rather than into the goal. Literally taking one for the team, Chris Butler a true people champion like Barry Scott from Cilit Bang commercials.

4-0 at half time.

At the turn of the half, a change in the oppositions formation meant that Chiswick were on the receiving end of some attacking play. Louis Allwood our mighty ginger warrior kept the opposition at bay with some epic clearances.

With quick play from the defensive 23, Chiswick were able to play the ball quickly to Chee who slotted the ball to Ramon at the top right hand side of the D. A quick dribble past the last defender and Ramon slotted the fifth goal. Ramons play is improving with direct correlation to his bacon cooking skills.

The final goal was not something of beauty but rather a moment that only a mother could love. Was it a strike at goal, was it Chee’s third attempt at goal and missing each one, or did he just quick the ball in. No one will know but there are no pictures on the scoreboard.

Special highlights include Charles Offord’s change in play, turning from selfless to selfish in the blink of a half. Desperate for a goal, reverse strike after reverse strike over the bar and a one on one with three options to pass to open players……DOD well deserved.

This report cannot tell you sheer level of chat that Ramon was giving to group after scoring. Ranking players on their urban freshness. FYI Charles is the least Urban fresh player in the team. He may be only 16 and does his Math’s homework, but this man grew up in the mean streets of TW8 Brentford and wants you to know about it.

And what!!!!

MOM: Louis Allwood – Cracking saves & Chee scoring a hatrick
DOD: Charles ‘selfish’ Offord for his inability to score and being selfish