Millennials will remember the 2006 epic war fantasy movie 300, a semi-animated re-telling of the famous battle of Thermopylae in 480BC, where 300 Spartan warriors, led by Leonidas [played in the movie by an impossibly buff Gerard Butler] held off the might of the Persian king Xerxes and his army of 300,000 men.

It was Thermopylae all over again in the rather more prosaic surroundings of Streatham on Saturday, where an impossibly buff Rupert Allen and his ten men held off the marauding Wayfarers to earn an astonishing 1-1 draw. As the final whistle blew, grown men sank down to the ground, their energy spent, their lungs heaving, their muscles torn, but their hearts pumping with pride.

A scratch 4s team had survived a second half pounding from a 16-strong Wayfarers army. At least it felt like an army. We were the Spartans fighting the Persians, especially during the last twenty minutes, when we seemed to be defending against all 16 Wayfarers on the pitch at the same time. It could have been 16 on the pitch, or 150, or 1500. The number of opposition players was of no matter to Chiswick. We simply refused to buckle.

In the absence of Lego, (either recovering from the previous weekend’s drinking or roaming West London with his scythe looking for souls) utility-man extraordinaire Blobby took his place beside Stiller in central defence, in front of Sam Hext between the sticks. Tom at left back and Ben on the right gave the defence a familiar look, while Rupert and Woon in midfield were joined by Lithuanian dynamo Cornelius, a thrilling return for Corney after nearly a year’s absence. Up front our three attackers, Rory, Emile and Freddy (joining us from the Men’s 5s for his debut), had speed, skill and guile aplenty.

There were no Chiswick subs, and it quickly became clear that we were up against a fast, fit, attacking team (apart from their carthorse at centre forward, of which more later). Our first ten minutes were too frantic as the team got to grips with new teammates and unfamiliar positions. Passes went astray, we didn’t take enough time on the ball and there was too much route one up the middle of the park.

However, we settled down, and began to spread the ball wide. Rupert was an excellent pivot in the centre, and Cornelius seemed to be everywhere, turning the Wayfarers this way and that and showing us what we’ve missed this last year.

It was not such a surprise when Chiswick scored the first goal, though it was a surprise how it came about.  The much maligned 4s press finally paid dividends when Rory cut out an opposition pass.  He then slipped a lovely pass to Emile who calmly slotted the ball past the Wayfarers keeper. 1-0 up and Chiswick were looking comfortable.

‘Tomahawk’ Emile (playing inside left) and Corney (frankly - playing all over the place) proved to be good target men and Rory’s subtle lay offs meant we kept Wayfarers defence busy. Freddy went very close with a flick that somehow their keeper managed to keep out. It would have been a thrilling debut goal.

But then, calamity. A Wayfarers attack looked set to be snuffed out by Sam, charging out of his goal to kick the ball out of danger. Inexplicably, Ben nudged the ball off Sam’s kicker and right onto the stick of Wayfarers’ carthorse of a centre forward, who gratefully tapped the ball into an empty net.

A schoolboy error, but as the whistle blew for half time, 1-1 was a good position for us, and our Skipper’s stirring words of encouragement put the fire back in our bellies for the second half.

Indeed, before the second half push-back, our shout of ‘3-2-1 Blues,’ seemed to change to SPARTANS, SPARTANS. We bashed our spears against our shields… the sky turned blood red, crows flew from the trees with a cacophony of cawing, and whirring wings, horses whinnied, and the sound of thunder rolled across the Streatham battlefield……..

And what a battle it was. The advantages of calling on a 16-man squad became apparent. Wayfarers sprayed the ball around, seeking a second half winner. It felt like we were facing an army, a swarm, a relentless black tide.

Our defence and midfield manfully withstood the onslaught. Rupert ‘Leonidas’ Allen, bloodied of knee and stern of brow, was an indomitable midfield presence, tackling like a demented banshee, unafraid of crashing to the ground, which he did, a lot.

Blobby barked at Stiller, Stiller barked back. Blobby smashed the cover off the ball out of defence, where Nick Woon belied his sturdy physique to trap, control and move it on to Freddy and Emile, both lads breaking fast to keep Wayfarers on their toes. A close effort on goal from Emile, combining with Rory saw both sink to their knees exhausted, only to summon reserves of energy, get up and run back to help defend another Wayfarers attack.

The final whistle bought salvation and a feeling of immense pride. As we shook hands with the opposition we acknowledged that this was one of our best performances of the season. Each and every member of the Chiswick team put their heart and soul into this performance. The Persians (sorry, Wayfarers), slunk back to their ships to lick their wounds. Herodotus himself should have been there to pen the account of a great day for Mens 4s, coming out with a draw against all the odds.

Greek superhero (MoM): Freddy – a scintillating performance on debut

Traitorous Persian dog (DoD): It should have been Stiller, who crashed his car on the way to the game, but Blobby disgracefully changed his mind and tipped the balance for Ben, who accepted the award with his usual good grace…. natch

This match had everything: cards, crunching tackles, goals and own-goals, and an uncomfortable testicular moment for Lego that could have meant potential extinction for the Thompson line. And five minutes of excruciating pain for Will, who dislocated his kneecap while in full battle mode, causing the match to be abandoned at 6-1. 6-1 to Royals, that is.

Not that Chiswick played badly against the table-topping side. In fact for the first five/ten minutes we were all over them like a cheap suit, capping our adventurous play in the beautiful spring sunshine with a finely taken goal by Will, with Emile assisting, to go 1-up, much to our surprise and their annoyance.

Our inspirational captain and legal ‘hottie’ Rupert was away, leaving Tom to step ably into his shoes. From his usual left back position Tom marshaled our team like Napoleon at Austerlitz with Ben, Lego and Stiller making up the rest of the back line, in front of Sam between the sticks. 

Emile, Emrys, Will and the evergreen Nick Woon made up our midfield, with Tom boldly asking Nick to play in an attacking centre half role and fronting up the press. Tim, Rory and DY provided our attacking force, joined periodically by utility player extraordinaire Blobby, who had stints up front, in midfield and at the back.

We basked in the glory of a 1-0 lead for, erm, about seven minutes, before Royals struck back via an own goal from Will, the first of two own goals from him in the match.  For the rest of the half, the opposition scored at a regular rate, leaving us 4-1 behind at half time.

There were a few questionable decisions from the umpire at our goal end, including blowing up Lego for having the temerity to stand up straight after missing a tackle, but we couldn’t make too many excuses. We were up against a slick, fit and capable team.

We did have some good moments, especially when we got the ball out wide and relied on the pace of Emile, Rory and DY, but often we were rushed into passing the ball too quickly, and we left too much space at the back.

The half time team talk was superbly delivered by Bex our guest coach, and as a result we tightened up considerably in the second half, creating a much more even game. We tackled hard – a bit too hard by Emrys – who got greened for his exotic use of the stick, but as is usual with this side, we didn’t give up. Sam Hext saved a tracer bullet shot – a superb and instinctive piece of goalkeeping, and Royals failed to convert their short corners thanks to some really gutsy defence from our goalie and the defenders.

Our passing was causing us problems, however, especially from Chris “my distribution is shit,” Smith. Our chairman is usually the Stevie G of the team, putting balls on a sixpence, but perhaps he was looking forward too much to pulling on a soft cotton dressing gown and chowing down on a quinoa salad, as he and Bex took a well-earned spa break this past weekend.

Chiswick conceded just two more goals in a much better second half for Chiswick 4s, and we had a couple of chances of our own, especially at short corners, but on 70 minutes, Will, having sprinted like a dervish back from the half way line to tackle his man, fell badly and dislocated his knee cap. 

It was an agonizing injury, grisly to look at, and even Emrys – the hardest man on the planet - looked a bit green about the gills. It was hugely fortunate that the Royals goalie was a medic, and his quick thinking saved Will from further pain, as he deftly put the kneecap back where it should be. An ambulance was called, the match abandoned and it was with some relief that the team trooped down to the pub for a well-earned beer.

MoM: Ben - Solid all round play at the back
DoD: Stiller - Calling himself out for poor distribution on the pitch
Honourable mention: Jimbo, for cheering us on from the touchline, and the best of luck for his forthcoming course at Sandhurst.

A murky January afternoon at the Linford Christie Stadium saw the PHC men’s 3rd XI return to action for the first time since the winter break. Chiswick were boosted by Jason Ye, who returned from injury, and Andy Jordan, who finally decided to grace the midfield with his presence.

Other developments, however, were to unsettle the team before the first ball was even played. Ever reliable Billy Caddis was a surprise no-show, controversially deciding to drop himself from the squad on the morning of the game. Even our very own captain Scott Elliott, proving he doesn’t just pass the ball late, made an uncharacteristically tardy arrival. Finally, as bad things come in threes, the Linford Christie Stadium once again wheeled out the dreaded portaloos, dashing all hopes of a comfortable pre-match ‘routine’.

After some balanced open exchanges, Clapham Common took the lead with a low drag-flick from a penalty corner. Two quick-fire goals on the break later and Chiswick were rocking. Disaster struck again as Jason Ye was flattened by a lumbering Clapham defender while carrying the ball into the opposition half. His seven minutes of fitness looked like they were up as he was carried off the pitch by his teammates. The home side were buoyed before the break after pulling one goal back through Chris Brinkworth and as Cowboy’ Chris Henderson arrived to lift the team’s spirits late in the first half.

If only bad things came exclusively in threes. The situation got worse for the Chiswick defence as the Common continued to mount pressure in the spitting rain of Wormwood Scrubs. Lightning fast breaks from the opposition forward line coupled with a rock-solid press to create opportunities on goal and stifle distribution from Paul Caine and Thurstan Wolf at the back. Jason Ye shook off his injury to rejoin the midfield, but even he was unable to steady the ship. After yet another goal-mouth scramble, DVB’s foot blatantly prevented a certain goal as last resort. A stickler for the rules of the game, Dan offered no objections – he ‘knew what he was doing’. Goalkeeper Louis Allwood was powerless to save the resulting penalty stroke.

As the light began to fade it was clear that it would not be Chiswick’s day. Cries of ‘let’s get this over with’ came from the defence as the tally against reached an insurmountable total of seven, but pleas for an early finish were rebuffed by veteran umpires Philipp Shartau and Chris Smith. Special mention must go to our umpiring volunteers, for whom fantasy league points seem poor payment. Not only did they have to watch a torrid defensive display from the home side, but they had to put up with constant remonstrations from both teams. In truth, the numerous cards meted out to Clapham Common’s forwards were justly deserved, but Chiswick were unable to make the most of their numerical advantage. A sweet strike from Chris Henderson into the bottom corner of Clapham’s goal gave some respite from the gloom, but it was too little, too late.

A day to forget for Chiswick men’s 3rd XI.

MOM: Binky – Scoring a fine goal
DOD: Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott – lateness

War and Peace at the Linford as Chiwswick 4s earn a draw

The big question for the Men’s 4s after this thrilling 3-3 draw against Hampstead and Westminster Thirsts was: “What the hell did Stiller have for breakfast?” Raw meat alone, in the opinion of this correspondent, as our doughty centre back ranted and rampaged around the Linford Christie belting out advice to teammates. After the opposition scored one of their goals, Stiller smashed his hockey stick on the ground like a demented Basil Fawlty thrashing his car with a branch. 

To be sure, it was good to see plenty of passion in Stiller and the team for this, the first match after Christmas. In the past, a surfeit of Christmas pud and fine claret tended to make for sluggish performances after the New Year, but the boys were generally sharp and composed against a decent team that beat us 3-1 last year.

We did, however, struggle with our shape and passing in the first quarter, and paid for it when Thirsts scored their first goal. Tackling their centre forward proved a tricky proposition, and he dribbled through a pile of blue shirts to slot past Louis.

Marshalled by our adroit skipper Rupert, Chiswick picked themselves up and picked up their game. The snappy passing, give and go, and running off the ball that characterises this team when it’s playing at its best came to the fore, and Phil Schartau rounded off a sweet move down the right to make it all square. Chris had the assist with some lovely skills around the D.

Chiswick’s defence had a more familiar look, with Ben back from injury, Lego and Stiller in the centre, and Tom on the left. Between the sticks, Louis had a fine match, surging off his line several times during the second half to keep us in the game. Louis has the priceless goalkeeper’s ability to instill confidence to his defenders, being encouraging when we do well, and making sure we’re well positioned to deal with threatening attacks.

Phil and Rupert were rapid fire in midfield, ably supported by Rory, who raised no more than a quizzical eyebrow when asked to play centre mid.  Nick Woon was his usual larger than life presence in midfield and further forward, and proved hard to stop once on a roll.  Consistent subbing in midfield and up front kept the team fresh, and it was Chiswick who took the lead in the second half. After Blobby had nearly removed Will’s head with a bazooka in the first, he made no mistake from a short corner, smashing the ball past an unmoving defence to put Chiswick ahead.

It was no more than we deserved. With Chris Brinkworth poached by the Men’s 3s, Blobby led the line ‘con gusto,’ alongside Nick, Will, Chris and DY. DY especially had a terrific game on the right. In contrast to Stiller’s bellicosity, DY had drunk deeply from the cup of peace during the holidays, as it was all serenity and love from the ‘Ipswich lip,’ and he let his hockey do the talking. It was DY who delivered the assist for our third goal. His cross from the right created a melée in the Thirsts D and the ball bobbled into the opposition goal from Chris Wiggins

That put Chiswick- back_in the lead again, after Thirsts scored from a flick to make it all square after a period of concerted pressure and several short corners. Louis had already saved our bacon but this time he was stranded and DY, the last line of defence, made a goaline clearance….. with his feet.

Any dreams Chiswick had of a win were snuffed out after Thirsts scored their third goal, heralding a frantic last five minutes as both teams searched for the win. In truth, a draw was probably a fair result, and the team should be pleased with a point. In patches Chiswick 4s played some sensational hockey and if we can keep up our highest standards throughout a whole match, we will – without doubt – end this season near the top of this league.

MoM: Louis - A number of terrific saves
DoD: Will - Not knowing the formation and where to play in the 1st half

Some people work on their game during the week for match day Saturday. Charles Offord is working on his game Tuesday & Wednesday at training, but on Monday, Thursday, Friday and especially Saturday he is working on his arrogance….. “Boys did I score a worldie of a goal”. Hence the self-vote for Man of the Match!

Just like Craig David, he chills on Sunday.

In the opening exchanges, Chiswick were on the back foot with Wayfarers pressing high and giving Chiswick little opportunity to get out of their own half. But with our defensive rock of Paul Caine and Andrew Brown, Chiswick were able to hold out for the opening ten minutes. Andy Brown who has a nine-week old baby, still managed to convince his wife to get a pass to play for Chiswick. That commitment to the team makes him a people’s champion. Like Andy Murray or Barry Scott from the cilit bang commercials.
​
The pace of Jonty gave Chiswick an outlet to get the ball into oppositions half. His pace could be compared to that of Linford Christie, ironic as this is the name of Chiswick’s pitch. Sprinting past Wayfarers defenders, Jonty was able to create a great opportunity across the goal that was nearly converted by Chee.

The opening goal from strong midfield play with Inesh and Sturdy linking up on the right flank. The ball was passed to Ramon who played the ball one touch to Brinkworth. He then moved the ball on quickly to Charles ‘North Chiswick’ Offord who in his own words ‘scored a worldie’ on the reverse side…. We won’t hear the last of it.

At the half Chiswick were 1-0 up.

Through lack of concentration in the midfield, Wayfarers pounced on Chiswick’s error and set up a short corner that they executed well with a low drag to the bottom corner. Head’s dropped and the team started to play for themselves as eleven individuals rather than a team of eleven lads who love terrible chat. Wayfarers next two goals came from short corners that were well executed. Chiswick were unlucky with the decisions with two stroke opportunities denied, in sport sometimes you have to create your own luck rather than just expecting it to fall into your laps.

For the Men’s 3s anything outside the ‘W’ postcode in London is a strange and scary place. South of the river I have heard that mobile phone signal only existed from 2009 onwards. Well Charles Offord has been the new Attenborough of the Men’s 3s. Exploring the vast planes of Oval this week. Going on dog walks, I don’t know what floats his boat but just ask him as I am sure he will be happy to tell all.

Brinkworth was stressing to the group that his bumble online dating game has been struggling. With some intervention from female company on the bench his photos and profile have been improved. We will be catching up with Brinkworth next week to find out if he has been on any dates that have ended up in Sam’s Chicken in Shepherd Bush at 3am while declaring his love (his love for Chiswick that is).

And what!!!!

MOM: Charles Offord – Scoring from his reverse stick
DOD: Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott – for brining female company to the game

It was an early start at Paddington Rec, a 10am push back against Hampstead and Westminster. The morning rain could be compared to the rain that fell during Noah’s flood, not enough to flood the earth but near enough to flood Kilburn.

Some players on Friday night had realised the importance of a good night sleep before a hockey game. Billy Francis on the other hand messaged the team 50 minutes before play “so long story short I’ve woken up in east London with no idea how I got here. Getting an uber now, hopefully will still make it”……. We did not see Billy Francis at push back or half time or even at the end of the game. I hope Billy your tinder date was worth it and that one day you will return to east London to reclaim your dignity that you left behind in that poor girls flat.

In the early encounters Chiswick were dominating play. With strong possession in the midfield, the ball was played into the side of the D where Ramon received a pass from Scott ‘smelly shirt' Elliott. He then played the ball across the base line to Andrew Jordan who then touched the ball to Chee who slotted the goal in the left hand corner. 1-0.

Have you ever seen the film chariots of fire? Well Wolfman’s solo run with the ball from his own 23-yard line to the opposition D was something of pure beauty. It was as if time stood still for those few seconds that Wolfman was able to cut through the opposition with his run. On top of the D Wolfman linked up with Charles Offord to play the ball round the opposition’s defense and Wolfman was able to slot the ball in the right hand corner. A goal that staggers belief as this was the most selfless play Charles Offord has even shown in a Chiswick shirt.

The third goal came from a well-executed aerial from Wolfman to Scott ‘smelly shirt' Elliott, that gave a three on one opportunity. Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott was able to slot the ball from the half way line to Andrew Jordan on top of the D, who then passed to Chee who took the quick shot to beat the keeper. 3-0.

The fourth goal was that of pure team work. James “I still live with my mum” Mason was able to link up with Ramon on the right flank. His piercing run across the base line linked up with Charles Offord who instead of taking the reverse shot on, passed the ball to Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott on top of the D, who took the quick pass to Andrew Jordan waiting on the line to deflect the goal in. As the fourth goal went in Charles Offord face was that of disbelief. It was as if he had just completed tinder by swiping through every girl within a 2-mile radius of north Chiswick…Acton my friend.

A special mention has to go to DVB, the kind of guy who starts conversations with ‘so I was at the polo after party and I was talking to this Ukrainian princess’. A drag to the top corner was saved on the line and pushed the ball into Chris Butlers mouth rather than into the goal. Literally taking one for the team, Chris Butler a true people champion like Barry Scott from Cilit Bang commercials.

4-0 at half time.

At the turn of the half, a change in the oppositions formation meant that Chiswick were on the receiving end of some attacking play. Louis Allwood our mighty ginger warrior kept the opposition at bay with some epic clearances.

With quick play from the defensive 23, Chiswick were able to play the ball quickly to Chee who slotted the ball to Ramon at the top right hand side of the D. A quick dribble past the last defender and Ramon slotted the fifth goal. Ramons play is improving with direct correlation to his bacon cooking skills.

The final goal was not something of beauty but rather a moment that only a mother could love. Was it a strike at goal, was it Chee’s third attempt at goal and missing each one, or did he just quick the ball in. No one will know but there are no pictures on the scoreboard.

Special highlights include Charles Offord’s change in play, turning from selfless to selfish in the blink of a half. Desperate for a goal, reverse strike after reverse strike over the bar and a one on one with three options to pass to open players……DOD well deserved.

This report cannot tell you sheer level of chat that Ramon was giving to group after scoring. Ranking players on their urban freshness. FYI Charles is the least Urban fresh player in the team. He may be only 16 and does his Math’s homework, but this man grew up in the mean streets of TW8 Brentford and wants you to know about it.

And what!!!!

MOM: Louis Allwood – Cracking saves & Chee scoring a hatrick
DOD: Charles ‘selfish’ Offord for his inability to score and being selfish

Chiswick returned for an all mighty battle against London Edwardians. If you were a fan of 90’s rap, then public enemy’s classic ‘Harder than you think” comes to mind. This opening exchanges were dominated by London Edwardians. Wave after wave of attack came but were dealt with our defensive gladiators Wolfman & Chris Butler.
 
Chiswick were able to hold London Edwardians for over 30 minutes, with James “I still live with my mum” Mason holdings attacks at bay on the right flank. I recently asked James how his tinder life is going since he is living the dream at home. He replied “It’s a tricky sell but Charles Offord is on hand to give me advice. Charles always available for tinder advice.
​
The initial goal from London Edwardians came from a well worked goal on the left flank, with a piercing midfield pass into the right hand side of the D and a cross goal shot. Chiswick replied well and the midfield pairing of Sam Alton and Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott were able to take control of the game and utilise the pace of Ramon. Earlier in the week Ramon asked the team to give their input on how to cook a bacon sandwich. His cooking skills are something that only a mother could love, but his stick skills are as smooth as Bumble (the new tinder) profile with elephant selfies & London marathon selfies to get the all the swipes in West London.

With a high press set form Billy and Ramon, Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott was able to intercept the ball from the 23-yard line. Taking it onto the reverse side, the ball was drilled to debutant Chris Brinkworth. In the warm up Louis Allwood was able to give Chris Brinkworth some shooting tips. His tips were so hot, that the tips given at the Griffin in Kings Cross look lukewarm in comparison. Chris Brinkworth turned 180* on the defender and took it round another defender to then slot the ball into bottom right hand corner.

1-1 Halftime.

Some amazing defensive work continued. On the next short corner from London Edwardians, Louis Allwood tipped a drag flick onto the crossbar which DVB was able to clear. A thing of defensive beauty.

The goals conceded by Chiswick were unfortunate, form defensive errors that were capitalised on the top of the D.

DOD moment of the game: Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott for attempting a diagonal aerial to the left flank and playing a squaerial over the top of the left flank and off the pitch.

In the remaining 15 minutes, Chiswick were controlling the game with attack after attack on their keeper. Shooting practice at training is on the cards.

Special mention to Ramon for letting me know what is and isn’t urban fresh in the mean streets of Brentford.…..FYI dabbing was so 2015.

Additional mention for Scott ‘smelly ‘Elliott for failing to provide female hockey players to come join the 3’s & 4’s social. The only reason he could get the troops out for beers.
And what!!!!

MOM: Louis Allwood – Cracking saves
DOD: Scott ‘smelly shirt’ Elliott terrible squaerial and outrageous pillow talk.

The men’s 5’s started well, about 10 minutes into the first half we already had our first goal scored by Neil Martin after some great passing, constant pressure in the D and a number of shots on goal that were deflected.  Neil slotted it in from the top of the D.

Barnes were looking strong though with some young whippersnappers running well down the wings and our defence were challenged a few times in the first half with a few penalty corners conceded. Thankfully Barnes could not convert. Towards the end of the first half we managed to score our second goal. Again a few quick passes through the middle and a saved shot on goal left Zak free to smash the ball into the back of the goal for his first goal of the season. We ended the half with some scrappy play but we did not concede.

At the beginning of the second half sadly the scrappy play continued. Barnes were putting us under pressure well and it was obvious that their younger team was slightly fitter. We had a few moments when we threatened the D and even won ourselves three penalty corners but we just couldn’t find the back of the goal. Eventually Barnes found a gap in our defence and get the ball passed Sam in goal bringing the score to 2:1. Then after a few more minutes Barnes won three consecutive penalty corners and on their third try they scored a second goal. This was sadly mainly due to the fact that we had stopped playing after the ball hit our defenders foot but no whistle had been blown.  This brought the result to 2:2 and the game ended this way despite a few more chances on both sides.

Owen Brookes received man of the match for some great play in the middle and in defence and Pete Daynes received the thanks for coming vote for wearing socks and sandals and using his fake go pro during the warm up.

MOM: Owen
DOD: Pete

Did someone say goals? There were in fact five of them this week. If you were a child of the 90’s you may have been waiting on Sunday night listening to chart show waiting to hear the band “five” singing their classic urban beats of “Everybody Get up”. They used to sing “Five will make get you down now”…..they are now singings “Men’s 3’s will get you down now”.
​
Every week we get a new story from Charles “my mum buys my hockey sticks” Offord. Well a new update, his mum got him an early Christmas present and bought his new stick. What a champion!!!

Charles officially man cheated on me this week in midfield with his new Irish heart throb in midfield, David Qualie. Both of them showing perfect one touch passing between them.
The initial passage of play was dominated by David Qualie & Charles Offord, cutting through the Tulse hill midfield, like Thurstan Wolf cutting through awkward chat on a first tinder date at Sam’s chicken in Hanger Lane.

For the initial period of play Chiswick spent the entire time in Tulse Hill half, this was down to a solid press from the front line of Chee, Ramon and Nadish. With three short corners in a row which clipped the outside of the left post Chiswick were turning the screw on Tulse Hill. With Charles Offord’s new stick, his new secret weapon came out to play. His low drag flick. Who knew he could get that low, I guess all those bumble dates midweek must have helped.

The first goal came from the initial play of Sturdy our warrior of the defence, linking with Scott “smelly shirt” Elliott. Then linking to Ramon on the right flank. Who drived the base line to release the ball to David Qualie who put a “slam dunk the funk” shot into the bottom left hand corner.

The second half started as it had in the first, domination that only Thurstan “Christian Grey” Wolf knows about on his business trips to Seattle.

The next goal came from quick play on top of the D. Scott “smelly shirt” Elliott passing to Ramon on the right edge of the D. He dribbled across the base line with Nadish waiting on the p shot for a simple slap across the keeper into the bottom left hand corner.

Minutes later, the magical pairing Charles Offord and David Qualie were stringing passes through the middle. With Nadish waiting in the D to receive the ball, he took a diving slap to beat the keeper. 3-0 to Chiswick.

The 4th goal came from debutant Will, with excellent link up play with Wiebe on the left flank (shocking revelation that he is 32, amazing skin….how does he do it). The final goal came from Chee, with attacking flair from Dave Sturdy on the right flank. Interlinking play with Ramon to Chee to slot the final goal to Chiswick 5-0. Boom!!!

Special mention to James Mason for getting a terrible haircut before the game and to Louis Allwood for not having to do much in goal but bully their forward….so mean!!

And what!!!

MOM: Dave Sturdy - solid tackling & Ramon Bailey – Electric pace
DOD: Louis Allwood - bullying players and not doing much